“How are you?” Small talk and how to do it

One perennial complaint of Danes who do business with Americans is the necessity of small talk.

Why, they ask again and again, do Americans say, How are you doing? when they really don’t want to know how I am doing?

My response is always this: How are you doing? is not a question, it is a greeting, much like Go’ morgen or Go’ weekend.

When you say Go’ morgen, nobody wants to hear that it is not in fact a good morning, that you ran out of cornflakes and the bus was late and your dog threw up all over the carpet last night so the living room smells awful.

All they want to hear is Go’ morgen in return.

Tips for how to respond

That said, I do teach Danes how to respond to “How are you doing?” or similar questions like “How was your weekend?” or “How was your flight?”

My advice is always to respond with a single, positive detail.

How are you? Great. I’m enjoying this weather.

How was your weekend? Wonderful. Spent some time with family, went for a walk with the kids.

How was your flight? Smooth and on time. I watched some movies I’ve been wanting to see for ages.

One simple personal detail lets your associate get to know you a bit better, and understand that you are not a crazy foreigner or a robot.

Now you can ask a polite return question – “And how are you doing?” – get a one-line answer, then move on to business.

Remember that detail should always be positive. If you offer a negative detail, the Americans will try to fix the problem for you. Your flight was delayed, you got nothing to eat? Oh no, let me get you a sandwich.

Longer conversations

You may find yourself at an informal dinner with colleagues you don’t know well, or with their spouses, who are sometimes included in business entertaining.

How can you fill the evening with small talk that won’t cause offense?

Asking about your conversational partner’s connection to the location is always a good conversation starter. You might ask, Did you grow up here in Oklahoma?

The odds are likely that they did not. Americans move around a lot. You can then ask about the differences between where they used to live and where they live now.

That said, it is considered poor form to ask an American with an accent Where do you really come from? Assume that everyone is 100% American born and bred unless they inform you otherwise.